Wendy the Vampire Slayer
by dietcocacola101
Summary: Wendy Testaburger: student body president, editor of the newspaper, girlfriend of quarterback Stan Marsh, and vampire slayer. Wendy is the Chosen One of her generation. If anyone can juggle school, extra curriculars, a social life, and vampire slaying, it's Wendy. Candy, some Style on the side.
1. Chapter 1

**Wendy the Vampire Slayer**

Sometimes, Wendy Testaburger really hates being the fifth wheel. No, scratch that, Wendy hates being the fifth wheel _all the time._ Kenny and Bebe were very graphically sucking face, and Stan and Kyle were fool enough to think that no one could see them holding hands under the table. Wendy was just sitting there. For once in her life, she wished that Cartman was there, so she wouldn't feel like a _total_ loser. At least, if he was there, she would make him share in her misery.

But Cartman was not there. He was off doing God knows what somewhere else when he _should_ be sitting at that table and coming to terms with the fact that he will die alone, if only so Wendy doesn't have do it by herself. Wendy crossed her arms over her chest while simultaneously turning her nose up at the pizza she had been served for lunch. Calvin had many talents, but cooking was not one of them. Granted, he probably _should_ know how to cook, being the school chef and all, but Calvin walked to his own beat.

Kenny finally tore away from Bebe to ask Wendy if she was going to finish her pizza. Wendy cocked a judgmental eyebrow at him that asked, _'You're seriously going to eat this crap?'_ What came out of her mouth was a very different comment: "Go ahead."

"Sweet, Wendy! Thanks!" Kenny cried and pulled the slice of pizza towards him. Bebe pulled him back in for another kiss the very second he finished devouring it. Now their kisses were not only slobbery, they were slobber mixed with pasta sauce. _Ew,_ Wendy thought. She turned away from them and immediately wished she hadn't, because she glimpsed Stan inching himself closer and closer to Kyle.

Wendy stood up so abruptly that her she knocked her chair to the ground, and all four of her friends stared at her. "I'm going to see Calvin," she announced.

Stan nodded. "That's probably a good idea."

A bit ticked that none of her friends had even attempted to convince her to stay, she turned on her heel and stalked the twenty feet from their lunch table to the cafeteria line. Calvin was serving greasy pizza to the last few kids in line. He ushered them along once Wendy cleared her throat, making her presence known.

"Hello there, Wendy. How are you?" Calvin asked. The resemblance to his brother was remarkable in that moment.

"Not too good, actually," Wendy admitted, and began her long-winded rant about her friends who were all caught up in their own relationships to notice her. Calvin smiled and nodded patiently as he listened to her. He was one of the few people in town who could actually say that he listened when Wendy talked. Not many people could say that. Not even Stan.

"Could it be," Calvin said calmly, after Wendy had finished, "that you have spent so much time on your social life that it is causing you distress and you need to train a bit to keep your mind off it?"

Wendy rolled her eyes and smiled softly at the same time. "Something like that."

"We train after school, then?"

"We always do."

Calvin had this weird habit of knowing exactly what Wendy wanted, even when she didn't know it herself. She remembered the first time she met Calvin, about eight months ago. She remembered what he told her, the small piece of information that changed her life forever…

EIGHT MONTHS EARLIER

Wendy walked into South Park High on a warm September morning with a smile on her face and a beat in her step. Little did she know that this was the day her time as the vampire slayer would begin. She began to take books out of her locker and shove them into her ratty old backpack. Bebe had bought her plenty of trendy and cool book bags for the new school year, but the bags just weren't school material. She couldn't fit all of her things in them and she would _not_ spend her entire senior year shoving kids out of the way in the halls in a dead sprint to her locker every passing period just because her bag looked cute. So, she stuck with the backpack that she had been using since sixth grade. It was worn out and had the occasional gaping hole, but it was reliable. Wendy needed reliable, if she was going to beat Kyle for valedictorian.

"Excuse me, do you know where I can find Wendy Testaburger?" an unfamiliar voice asked her. That was strange. Wendy knew everybody in town. Nobody's voice was unfamiliar to her. She shut her locker and then turned to face the voice. Standing in front of her was a tall black man in his mid-30s, donning a chef's hat and apron.

"Chef?" she cried, her mouth hanging open. Only after Wendy had asked it did she realize that it couldn't possibly be Chef. Chef was dead, and had been for a very long time. Besides, this man was thin and didn't have the same charm as her old cafeteria chef. The resemblance really was striking, though.

The man chuckled. "No, no, I'm not Chef. I'm the new cafeteria chef for the high school. I'm pleased to know that you remember my brother, however."

Wendy studied him. "Chef didn't mention that he had a brother."

"I'm not surprised. I was always the odd one out in my family." The man waved his wand as if waving the topic away. "That story is for another time. Now, I really need to find Wendy Testaburger. I've been asking around and the students tell me that her locker is somewhere over here."

"I'm Wendy," she said and the man's face lit up.

"You are?" She nodded. "That's great!" The two-minute bell rang and Wendy jumped. She couldn't be late. She had never had a tardy in her entire life. "Ah, it's almost time for class, isn't it? Well, I'll come find you during lunch and we can discuss your destiny further. Go on now, or you'll be late."

Wendy had never been more confused in a class before. He wanted to talk about…her destiny? This guy was clearly a nut job, Chef's brother or not. The only thing that snapped her out of her funk was seeing Kyle listening intently to their history teacher and jotting down notes a few seats away from her. She immediately went into competitive mode and walked out of history class happy knowing that her notes were longer and neater than Kyle's, not to mention color coded.

She had completely forgotten about the psycho chef who had cornered her at her locker until lunchtime came and she was face-to-face with him in the lunch line.

"Ah, Wendy! I'm so glad you could make it. If you would wait for me for just a moment, I'll join you when I finish here," the man said and gestured to the other kids in line.

Wendy began to sputter out an excuse, but the man held up a hand to silence her and then turned to the other kids. She stood awkwardly next to the counter while he served her peers cheeseburgers and fries, holding her own tray full of the same foods. Finally, when the last child had been given food, the man turned to her.

"I'm sorry for the delay, Wendy. Maybe we should go somewhere more secluded, like an empty classroom," the man suggested.

"I, uh, I can't. I promised my friend, Bebe, that I would sit with her at lunch," Wendy told him. This was actually true. Poor Bebe was probably searching everywhere for her.

"I'm sure Bebe will understand. This is important."

Wendy was getting angry now. Why wouldn't this guy leave her alone? Why couldn't he just _tell_ her what he wanted to say and be done with it?

"Look, I don't even know your name!" she snapped. "If you think I'm going anywhere with yo –"

Once again, the man held up a hand to silence her. "How rude of me. I apologize. My name is Calvin. And you are Wendy Testaburger: student body president, editor of the newspaper, and you seem to have been dating the quarterback, Stanley Marsh, for quite some time. You are also a vampire slayer. However, your identity as a slayer is best to be kept a secret, so I suggest you follow me." Calvin tore off his apron and chef's hat and departed from the cafeteria. Normally, Wendy would have given him the finger and returned to her table with Bebe, but what he had said had intrigued her. Vampire slayer? What was _that_ about? So, she followed him.

Wendy found Calvin waiting for her outside of an empty classroom. He held the door open for her and, once she was safely inside, shut it behind them. He turned on the light and gestured for Wendy to sit down at one of the desks and eat her lunch while they talked. Wendy remained standing. "What the hell is a vampire slayer and why do you think I am one? How do you know all those things about me? How do you know about Stan?"

"One question at a time, please."

Wendy bit her lip and internally debated over which question to ask first. She decided on, "What is a vampire slayer?"

"Into each generation a slayer is born. One girl, in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of evil," Calvin recited.

Wendy's head was spinning. She didn't know what to make of all this. This was South Park, but _come on._ Vampires? "Vampire aren't real," she said.

"Vampires are very real," Calvin argued.

"How come I've never seen one? I live in _South Park_, for Pete's sake. If vampires were real, they would've come here."

"Why is that?"

"Chef must have told you!" Wendy cried, exasperated.

"I don't speak to my family much. Now, what were you saying?" Calvin asked.

"South Park…is the root of weird. Strange deaths and occurrences and, well, fucked up things happen here. Surely, if vampires were real, they would want to come here."

Calvin grinned so widely it looked as if his face might split in half. "That's it! That's exactly it! Vampires _do_ want to come here, for one reason and one reason only: South Park is one of the few places on Earth that are positioned over the Hellmouth. For some reason, your town's mystical energy has been hidden from the demons and vampires, but that didn't stop strange things from happening here. But now that you have been chosen as the next slayer, it seems that evil things and creatures of the night have somehow sensed South Park. They will be coming, lots of them, and it's up to you to stop them."

Wendy was already shaking her head in disbelief. There were a lot of things she could take, but crazy stories about vampires and a Hellmouth was too much.

"You're insane."

"I thought that you, Wendy, would be more open-minded than the other slayers were, seeing as you live in 'the root of weird'. I must say I'm disappointed," Calvin admitted.

"I'm not a vampire slayer. I can't be."

"Why is that? You seem to be a remarkable and talented young lady, if I do say so myself."

Oh, Lordy. If Bebe was here, she would be squealing and insisting that Calvin was hitting on her. Wendy refused to believe that this was the case, though. She might be almost positive that he was insane, but he came off as loving and fatherly rather than pervy.

"Okay, next question," Wendy said, ignoring his last statement. "How do you know all those things about Stan and me?"

"Every Slayer is assigned a Watcher. I am yours. I come from a Watcher's Council and they have given me all sorts of information on you. They also gave me information about some of the people closest to you, like Bebe, Stan, and your parents," Calvin explained.

"I still don't –"

"I understand that this can be a lot to take in," Calvin interrupted. "I'll let you have a day to process the information."

"And then?" Wendy inquired.

"I would be honored if you would go patrolling with me tomorrow night. If, after that, you _still_ don't believe in your destiny, then I will leave you alone," Calvin said. Wendy could tell by the smug look on his face that he was certain that she would believe him.

"All right, fine," Wendy agreed.


	2. Chapter 2

"That," Calvin said calmly, "was your first vampire kill."

Wendy was stunned. She had accompanied Calvin on a patrol of South Park just like she agreed, but only after finishing all her homework and going to all of her meetings after school. Now she was standing in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty with a stake in her hand and a bit of dust where a vampire had been moments before.

No, not vampire. It couldn't have been. Vampires weren't _real._

"I killed that man," Wendy said numbly.

"You killed a demon of the night and prevented it from causing harm to the people of South Park," Calvin corrected her.

She still had trouble processing the whole vampire thing. But what other explanation was there? People don't have yellow eyes and sprout fangs. People don't turn into dust after you stabbed them in the chest.

"It was so easy," Wendy said. "Killing him, I mean. Why was it that easy?"

"You are a vampire slayer, Wendy, and you have acquired the strength, speed, and agility that go along with being a slayer," Calvin explained.

"I'm a vampire slayer," she repeated. It finally began to sink in. She finally understood what that meant. "Fuck."

* * *

Wendy was not tired. She should have been exhausted, seeing as she had been patrolling with Calvin until two a.m. and had to get up for school four hours later. But Wendy found that she was wide awake and more alert than she had ever been. Calvin said that another slayer trait was being able to survive on little amounts of sleep. If only she spent those late hours of the night studying or sneaking out to parties, instead of slaying vampires.

She had also asked Calvin if she could tell a few people about her secret identity. Calvin had practically screamed, "Absolutely not!" and nearly had a heart attack. He then made her swear to him that she would keep her identity as the slayer a secret from everyone, even the people she loved most. Wendy felt a little bad about this, because she had every intention to tell Bebe and Stan about her being a vampire slayer. How could she _not_ tell them? Her new "destiny" would impact her best friend's and boyfriend's lives as much as hers. She at least owed them an explanation.

Wendy texted both Bebe and Stan a simple message: _I need to talk to you. It's important. Meet me in the parking lot after school._

Bebe responded with, _Sure, hun! J _ almost right away, while Stan took a full fifteen minutes to text her this message: _can't, i have football practice_

Wendy groaned in annoyance. She could easily tell which of the two was more reliable. _Well, fine,_ she decided. If Stan was too busy for her, then he would have to find out this valuable piece of information another day. She wasn't going to refrain from telling Bebe because Stan was busy.

The day dragged by. Wendy wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing. She was excited to tell someone her darkest secret, but was worried about how Bebe would react. Should she be looking forward to this confrontation or dreading it? Wendy soon found out that it didn't matter, because 3:00 came no faster or slower than it always did, and suddenly she found herself in the parking lot of South Park High, watching Bebe approach. Her best friend was chatting with Annie and continued talking to her, even as Wendy loudly cleared her throat and tapped her foot.

Nearly all the buses and cars had left the parking lot when Annie finally said goodbye to Bebe and left. Wendy could still see Stan's truck in the lot, along with all the cars of the football team still lingering there. She wondered if Kyle had gone home on the bus or was sitting through an entire football practice so Stan would drive him home. Probably the latter; Kyle hated taking the bus. She took note that Stan didn't have the time for her, but he had time for Kyle. She shouldn't be so surprised – Satan always had time for Kyle.

"Sorry about that. You know how much Annie likes to talk," Bebe said. "What did you want to tell me? I'm all ears."

Wendy opened her mouth and suddenly found that she didn't know what to say. How do you tell your best friend that you're a vampire slayer?

"Can you come over later? I have to show you something," Wendy said.

"Sure. I'll come over after cheer practice, but I have to be home in time for dinner," Bebe replied.

"No, I mean, can you come by around eleven?"

"At _night?_"

"Please, Bebe? It's really important, but I can't tell you. I have to show you," Wendy begged.

"In the middle of the night?"

"_Please._"

Bebe sighed, exasperated. "Fine. But only because I love you. And if my parents find out I snuck out, I'm blaming it on you."

"Thank you so much!" Wendy squealed, throwing her arms around her best friend and getting a mouthful of her frizzy blonde hair.

After surviving Wendy's death grip hug, Bebe sprinted to the gymnasium, where cheer practice was taking place. Wendy made her way to the football field so she could corner Stan and demand that he come over that night. She had newspaper after school that day, but had left Red in charge until she could get there.

Wendy surveyed the playing field. Stan, Token, Clyde, and the rest of the football team were running laps around the field. To her surprise, Eric Cartman was running with the players (he was last, of course) and his own uniform was drenched with sweat. Wendy spotted Kyle on the bleachers, his head bent as he scribbled furiously. He was, of course, doing his homework. Books and notebooks and stacks of paper were spread out all around him. Her heart sank when she thought about all of _her_ unfinished assignments. She approached Kyle on the bleachers and he only looked up when she was ten feet away.

"Hi, Wendy," he said. "This is a surprise."

Wendy and Kyle had been friends in elementary school, but became competitors as they grew older. They joined the debate team in middle school and competed against each other in every debate, they competed over being the smartest kid in class, but most of all, they competed for Stan's attention. Wendy was not at all pleased to announce that Kyle had come out on top in all three categories.

"I wanted to ask you when practice is over. I need to talk to Stan," she explained. She wanted to make it clear that this was a business call, not a social one.

"Football practice goes until 4:30, so it'll be a while (Wendy glanced at her watch: 3:21)," Kyle said.

"Oh," Wendy said, frustrated. Cartman caught her eye once again and another question nagged at her. "When did fat ass join the team?"

"This year," Kyle explained and snorted. "The fat fuck can't even open a bag of chips without breaking a sweat. I have no idea how he even made the team."

"Why would _Cartman_ join the football team? He gets out of breath from standing up too fast!" Wendy cried, and Kyle snickered.

"Beats me. Hey, what was it you wanted to tell Stan? I could give him the message so you don't have to wait around," he offered.

Wendy considered it. The message was pretty generic, so it wasn't like Kyle would know anything really important. And making small talk with Kyle for an hour didn't sound like her idea of a good time.

"Sure. Tell Stan to come over around eleven tonight. Also, tell him to dress appropriately. Things could get rough."

Kyle gaped at her. It took Wendy a few moments to figure out why, but when she did, she rolled her eyes at him.

"We're not going to have _sex,_ you idiot! I just want to show him something!" she snapped.

"Oh, uh, yeah, of course," he stammered, blushing.

* * *

Stan showed up at 11:00 on the dot in his nice jeans and that one shirt that showed off his muscles. She had a feeling that Kyle hadn't believed her when she said that she and Stan weren't going to "get busy". Stan had texted her: _i'm outside_ and waited patiently for her to meet him in the front yard. He was quite shocked when Bebe showed up as well.

"I _told_ Kyle that we weren't doing anything dirty!" Wendy snapped at Stan.

"Well, what was he supposed to think? Why else would you invite me over in the middle of the night on a _school_ night?" Stan cried.

"Stop shouting! Do you want to wake her parents?" Bebe asked. She turned to Wendy. "Wait, why are we here?"

"Just follow me," she said and led the two of them down the street.

At six foot two, Stan towered over both girls. Most people in town were on the shorter side, so Stan towered over most people, including his mother. The only person in town who had fairer raven hair than Stan was Wendy herself.

Wendy was dressed in boots and shorts and a turtleneck. She had a stake hidden in her sleeve and her boot. She told Calvin that she was going to patrol by herself that night, so he wouldn't get on her case about keeping her identity a secret. After wandering around town for twenty minutes, Bebe and Stan were getting impatient and Wendy was getting worried. What if no vampires showed and she looked like a loon?

"It's getting late," Bebe spoke up from behind. It was nearly midnight now and the moon shone bright, but there were no vampires to be seen.

"Five more minutes," Wendy pleaded. "They'll show."

"_Who?_ Who are you waiting for?" Stan asked.

Wendy didn't answer him. She led them around South Park for another twenty minutes, begging them for more time every time one of them complained. The three teenagers were walking through Stark's Pond when an angry voice pierced their ears: "WENDY TESTABURGER!"

"Oh, shit," Wendy said, all color draining from her face as Calvin stomped towards them.

"What the hell? Wendy, who is that?" Stan asked.

Once again, she didn't answer him.

"I had a feeling you were up to something tonight! How _dare_ you put these kids' lives in danger!" Calvin shouted.

"Calvin, I'm sorry –"

"I _told_ you no! Just because you are the slayer does not mean you can do whatever the hell you want!"

Wendy opened her mouth to argue, but Calvin turned his back on her and addressed Bebe and Stan: "Bebe, Stanley, I'm very sorry for your being subjected to Wendy's irresponsibility. You must be very confused. I will explain everything when I drive you both home. My car is right over there."

Calvin ushered them to his car. Wendy started to follow, but Calvin said to her, "I think it would be better if you finished your patrol alone."

"Why bother? We didn't see any vampires," she said bitterly.

"Well, thank God for that."

* * *

The next day at school, the first thing Wendy did was seek Calvin out and apologize.

"I know you want the slayer thing to be a secret, but I had to tell someone, I just had to. I've only been the slayer for a few days and I already feel so alone," Wendy explained.

"I understand. I just don't approve of you putting innocent lives in danger. I suppose I was too hard on you and drove you to making your mistake. I apologize as well," Calvin said and then paused, "I told Bebe and Stanley that you are the slayer. Being a vampire slayer is a heavy burden that you shouldn't have to handle alone."

"Thank, Calvin."

Wendy was pretty sure that both Bebe and Stan thought she was insane, so she avoided them all day. To her surprise, Stan texted her while she was eating dinner: _can i come over tonight and watch you kick vampire butt?_ She quickly finished her dinner and escaped to her room so she could call him.

"You don't think I'm crazy?" she blurted out.

"I'll find out tonight, won't I?" he teased.

"Calvin will skin us both alive if he finds out," Wendy said, but Stan had already convinced her. She felt a little daring.

"Oh, right. Your _Watcher._"

"Don't you make fun of me, Stanley Marsh!" Wendy tried to scold him, but she was smiling. "You didn't tell anyone about the slayer thing, did you?"

"No. Well, except Kyle."

Wendy froze. "Oh, you didn't. Stan, please tell me you're not serious."

"What's the big deal? Kyle won't tell anybody. He wants to come tonight and see you."

Wendy snorted. "I'm sure his mom will be thrilled. Her precious Kyle sneaking out to watch vampire slaying? It's far too dangerous for _her_ son."

"Don't be nasty," Stan said. "Kyle's mom won't find out. This whole thing was Bebe's idea and _she_ didn't have a problem with Kyle coming."

"Of course she didn't! She has a thing for Kyle!" Wendy argued.

"No, she has a thing for Kenny. She invited him, too."

_Kenny_ knew she was the slayer, too? Wendy only kept a snarky remark to herself because Kenny _had_ been Mysterion once and could be helpful in a fight.

"Did you and Bebe tell anyone _else_ that I'm the slayer? Did you put up flyers? Run an article in the newspaper?"

"Well, uh, Cartman may have overheard me telling Kyle after practice. He wants to come, too," Stan admitted, nervously.

"Fine."

"Really? You're not mad?"

"No. With any luck, a vampire will take him out before I can stake it and we'll be rid of him forever."

Stan laughed. "Maybe. I'll see you tonight, yeah?"

"Yeah."

* * *

"Ay! Look out behind you, hoe!"

Wendy spun around at Cartman's warning just in time. A vampire lunged at her and she ducked, sending it sailing over her head. She kicked the vampire back down when it tried to get up. This was the third vampire she had encountered tonight and she as pumped up. Something about killing vampire while her friends cheered her on made her feel good.

She jumped on the vampire and drove a stake through its chest. It screamed and then turned to dust.

Wendy got to her feet and smirked at the group of people watching her. "Now do you believe me?"

Her friends had been skeptical at first. Cartman complained loudly that Wendy was a crazy hoe, Kyle kept sighing and wrapping his coat tighter around himself, and Kenny was saying to Bebe, who thought everything he said was hilarious, that when _he_ was playing superhero, he had real villains to fight. Only Stan had faith in her. It took half an hour for the first vampire to show up and then the rest of them insisted that they had believed her the whole time.

Her friends nodded vigorously. Kyle asked, "Can you recite the prophecy again?"

"Into each generation a slayer is born. One girl, in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of evil," Wendy recited from memory.

"God, Wendy, I'm so _jealous._ Being a slayer is such a turn on!" Bebe chirped. Kenny nodded in agreement and winked at Wendy. Bebe elbowed him in the ribs.


End file.
